Bex

My name is Rebecca, I go by Bex. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, and I’ve been living with bipolar I since March of 2016.

It did not make sense that I was bipolar I when I was diagnosed. I just figured it was just my depression getting worse. It took months after the initial diagnosis for me to be like, okay, like, you know, this is you.

I do feel the stigma surrounding like bipolar I, mental illness. You know, people have always, you know, joked and they make, make jokes about people who are bipolar. So it was like, why am I a joke? I don’t want to be othered. I don’t want to be separated because of something that I cannot you know, I did not choose.

Mania feels like extreme paranoia, extreme excitement. Your heart’s racing, everything feels good. Like yes, this is the impossible, which is most likely impossible, feels possible. You just feel, you literally feel high, like you feel like, man, like, everything’s great.

I remember the first time I ever had suicidal ideation. I remember, I’d never called the suicide hotline. I actually had to Google like, “what is the number?” because I really thought like I was going to take my, like I went through, like.

The crash, the depression, like, I already have, like the depression. It’s like, I don’t even want to eat. Like I don’t even want to drink. I don’t want to brush my teeth. I don’t want to get up. I don’t even want to roll over to the other side like, I have, it’s almost kind of like bedsores just being in bed, you know what I mean? Like, it’s, it’s impacted the hell out of my life.

It’s a human condition. And I feel like we’re all human. We’re all supposed to be in this together and we should support each other and love each other, because that’s another thing you got to, you got to make sure your circle is, is tight, right, and supportive because you need that through this journey.

So I have a production, it’s called “On the Mic with Bex”. It’s in Brooklyn. So I won an award at Brooklyn College, which is like a national college prize for the Academy of American Poets 2017. And so when I won that, I was like, “All right, poets assemble.” We’re going to create a space for artists to come and just like, express themselves.

I think it’s important for me to share my story because maybe I might reach somebody, maybe I might touch somebody, maybe I might get somebody to get up and, you know, go seek help. It’s going to be a part of your life, all right, this is a part of you. Stay in therapy, stay on track, stay on your regimen. You can get a hold of this.

I’m a mom, a creative, a poet. I have bipolar I, and I’m all right.

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